shaeyeradrache

I took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Needs a peaceful environment. Wants release from s..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

Yeah.. this is pretty accurate.

Well, I don't know if I've actually come up against something that I've found so disgusting that I was forced to stop eating it. I have a wide variety of tastes. My favorite food tends to be barely cooked meat and not cooked at all fish.. As well as things like snails and squid and eel. I thought I would like liver. It turns out that I was wrong, but I think it was a question of it being so much more different than I expected. I think maybe it was a texture problem, rather like coconut.

Stuffing! Stuffing is disgusting. I still won't eat that stuff.. There we go, I've found it.

First there were the elder gods, who grew utterly sick of conflicting with themselves. So in their sandbox they created a representative race against which their influence would be tested. Things definitely did not go as planned. The gods then created the beings known today as AEtherials and placed them among the humans to nudge them toward the "proper" course watch and protect.

And the humans, used to being total wusses being of a naturally more sensitive disposition, were unduly traumatized and plagued by these. So the gods then banished the latter to the AEther until they learned to behave themselves interact with the humans in a less traumatic fashion. Millenia later, we're still working on this.




Just something I've been working on for a rather long time. I like where this is going, and I must finish this.

This one's definitely an easy one. If I were invisible for 24 hours, I believe that my first act would be to visit the nearest boy's locker room and do some spying, definitely with nose plugs. I mean, I'm curious, and I'd love to know how the atmosphere differs from that of a girl's locker room. Of course, I'd even it out with a girl's locker room trip, and that would be equally exciting, with my enjoying the best of both genders, after all. Course, me living in the south would most likely mean that unless I got really lucky, I'd get to witness some of the more undisciplined physiques, but I'm willing to take that risk in the name of science!
After that grew old, I'd embark upon some generic pranks and tasks carried out in the name of mischief-making. I daresay I'd be tempted to do evil while invisible (depending upon the extent of my invisibility), and havoc would certainly be wrought.
For the latter part of the day, I'd probably use my attributes to pester the bar scene clients, using invisible touches to arouse and confound. After all, one shouldn't waste one's useful talents.

So I got at least two things accomplished today. Art-wise, I stumbled up on the oddity that is pangolin locomotion, something that I strongly suggest everyone go look at right now. Interestingly enough, in one of my sketches of my dragonform, I'd been trying to puzzle out how it would run. I'd been looking at anteater locomotion, and been like, 'Nah, running like that would hurt.' Unless you know... I galumph. Which, while entirely possible... it seems something that I'd have difficulty drawing at first (C'mon Sy, you know you wanna draw that), and it is very impractical for hunting, though I suppose it could be Mother Nature's way of balancing things... or some such. Anyway, pangolin-based locomotion seems entirely plausible, though I'd have to adjust the positioning and angling of my hindlegs, something I'd been meaning to do anyway. Also, I'll look weird.
Yay.

The other thing that I did was run into a very likely candidate for my Lion king Fanart Archive fursona, since the dragon is, you know, not TLK-material. I'm tossing around a pangolin shaman, in the manner of Rafiki, though she'll be harder to locate, not so much as implied living where the native pride could easily get at her (also, her pride won't be Simba's/Kovu's). Thinking of this character has me somewhat excited, as I could imagine her as an extension of my cranky, antisocial side. I may or may not keep her pink. I mean come on. Pink pangolin? It's kinda catchy in a totally unoriginal way. Haven't thought about how old i want her to appear yet, though ageless does have a certain ring to it. Not all that surprising, is it? Her speech, I've thought about that, and I want her to have a slightly Jamaican/pidgin mix, but perhaps only at first, becoming clearer to understand as the 'characters' interact with her. The next thing to think of, assuming that I do go with this character and not the much easier anteater.. Would be her name.
And of course she'd be a shapeshifter, though her method of doing so and the shapes she could assume would have to be different things entirely, and keeping within the boundaries of TLK-style magic when possible. Something like only being able to shapeshift into African animals and when shifting, doing so under cover of the leaf-cloud smoke of Disney african magic effects. Okay, that last bit I threw in for giggles, but I think I'll keep it. It amused me. Her blend of magic would focus on the life-oriented aspects of shamanism as opposed to what Rafiki was doing in TLK (in my opinion, anyway). Something like, yes she would present 'royal' cubs to the pride, maybe she would keep track of bloodlines, and maybe take care of the bodies of the dead (or have the animals do it for her?). She would, of course, call in favors from animals and insects who owed her one or two... Also, no stick. She'll have a prop if I think of it, or if I remember this.
I have this hilarious image of a comic style introduction of this character, where she's presenting a cub to the pride. In this case, the crowd would part, and she'd have her forepaws on the ground, like she was going to walk like a quadruped. There'd be some shots of the parents and the crowd, and then she'd amble up to whatever monument the pride would have (no pride rock here, ladies and gents) in classic pangolin style (seriously, youtube pangolin)to the total embarrassment of those assembled (oooh.. ambiguous speech tie-in here).

Oh yes, this is worthy of pencil and ink.

I'm currently in San Antonio.
So I saw The Dark Knight tonight. It was quite amusing. I went with Hagios and Kio. It's too bad I didn't have my notebook with me, because I had some interesting story ideas while waiting in line for the theater to become available. I also did some catching up on the Degrassi: Next Generation plotlines. Everything is characteristically tumultuous.
I think I actually need to sit down and think awhile before I decide what I want to write about. It's been so long since my last update.

I think I'll have to cut down on the number of griping posts I put up here. I mean, yes, anger is a big part of my life.. It used to be bigger than it is now, but *shrugs* what can I say, people get on my nerves most of the time. So allow me one more angry post before I start talking about fluffy kittens or happy ponies.
Actually, I'd like to know who's in the wrong on this. My roommate's acting like it's my fault, but I believe that I'm not to blame in the decisions and choices that I made. And excuse me for getting a bit annoyed at her for what happened.


So.. Beginning of the month, right? What happens here? Bills! Bills! And more bills! This is not a surprise to me. All my roommate has to do is tell me how much to give her for each bill and away I go, scurry scurry, to the atm or to Walmart, or somewhere to get cash to hand to her for what ever utility requires placation with cash. This is not a horrible thing to ask, is it, especially since said notes come in her name.
Now, let me tell you what happened:
Apparently my roommate, may praises and blessings grace her doorstep, was not as efficient in telling me about the electric bill needing to be paid as she should have been, for the great provider of the energetic molecules flowing through the veins of this heavenly and mighty trailer, decided that we had forsaken them and therefore no longer required their services. So, with a pathetic gurgle, off went the lights as the precious lifeblood was stilled.
I was leaving for class as this occurred, and I sent a text to the roommate, telling her what had happened, which is how I found out that I needed to give her such and such amount, and also I needed to add a reconnection fee because it was apparently my fault too. Okay, I was fine with this. But... Could I also leave my class in order to run by the power company and bestow upon them what was rightfully theirs? Because, the roommate was between jobs and lacking in funds to make her half. So could I please make it up with what was in my bank account to appease the mighty power gods? Considering the fact that I'd already done this with the titans of the phone company some time before, and was still looking forward to the time of plenty (am still looking forward to it in fact..) wherein my loan would be repaid. Beg pardon to all of my ancestors, and those still in possession of their senses within their mortal coil, for I refused.
So surprised I was, to find that the roommate's darling, drooling, corpulent son had arrived home as usual after school and was sorely distraught to find the power off, so much that he had thrown objects around in display of his wrath. And yes, it was my fault that the lifeline had been severed, for I would not go pay the bill. Oh! What a horrible person I was that I would not do this. What a fiend! What an ungrateful wretch. His dam arrived at the trailer, and the slanderous declarations increased! Relatives were called, and my name was offered up as the reason for the cold, unwelcoming trailer. Chaos! Destruction! Blasphemy! How could I have been so cruel as to stay in class and refuse to add additional funds from my swelling coffers? For shame.

Now. I ask all of you with sense in their heads... Am I at fault in this matter? I'd honestly love to know.

Well, I'm sick. I don't know what I have, but I'm leaning somewhere between tonsilitis and strep throat. Mornings really really suck. Night's better, but with school starting up again, I can't afford to be nocturnal anymore.
You know what? I miss high school. I really do. Everyone else I've talked to seems glad that they're out of it, but back then, I felt sure of myself and secure in the knowledge that I knew what was going to happen in the future. I knew that there was nothing that Mother and Father couldn't fix, and I knew that I was strong, and that I was going to be successful in life. Best of all, I had friends.. I had a strong social group.
I had a Pack. And that was the best thing of all. I had an alpha and a beta female, and they were my anchor. I felt happy because they helped me fit in with a human lifestyle that had never felt quite right to me. I mean, sure they were the 'weird' kids, but hell, it felt so damn good to be weird. I'd never been able to stop myself from growling or baring my teeth at people when I was angry, and by the gods, I don't think I ever will.
The Pack didn't last, of course. I don't think that I was ever truly submissive to either the alpha or beta, and I think we all knew this. Senior year.. Well, I went rogue, for lack of a better term. I proved that I was dominant to both of them in the typical canine way, and they decided that I should be exiled.. Which, I can't really blame them for that, but I don't really remember how I hurt them physically. So maybe I did deserve what I got. I don't think that they were blameless though. I remember them provoking me somehow. I really wish I could remember, but my mind's decided that I don't need to know this.
Anyway.. I miss that. That's why I liked #draconic so much. Heck, I miss the good old days when I knew where I stood and why society was reacting the way that it did. I helped keep the order back then, and I loved being an enforcer.

But of course all good things come to an end. And that part of my life is over..

For as long as I can remember, I've served the God and Goddess. I no longer recall the events of my birth or even if I was born, for it is well within the power of my Lord and Lady to create. I know that I used to question my existence, that I was interested in what had come before my current state of being. I had asked my lord and lady, but gods always seem to think of their servants as children: precocious children at best, and therefore, I did not get very straight or clear answers. In time, I stopped asking, though if I'm true to myself, I'll admit that I am still curious.
I guess one could describe my duties in serving the elder gods as a spirit helper, for I do the things that are too troublesome for them to concern themselves with, assisting with the passage of souls across the AEther and maintaining order among the lesser children of the elder gods: the humans and beasts of the land. I had three forms with which to do my duties, that of the avatar, the human, and the beast. These, I used to participate in the lives of those important to the gods and fulfill my purpose.
Truth be told, I'd always been partial to my beast form, as I considered it the most comfortable of my shapes, though the human was more flexible and the avatar more beautiful. In it, I assumed the form of a lioness, with such coat color and features as I wished, for it was within my power to alter my appearance to some degree.


...................... So yes, that's what I've got so far, came to me in class one day. I think I'll take it and run with it. So far, I know I have to work on the flow.

So last night I dreamed of being a guardian spirit for a savannah territory in Africa. I had three forms, one of the avatar; which was an ethereal humanoid form: the avatar, a basic human; african American with amber eyes, and that of a lioness. I had the ability to see the auras of the beings I came across, which was really neat, because I'd come upon lionesses who appeared to have shadow/spirit horns, and the like.. I remember one of them, Jhora, who had spirit horns similar to those of a ram. I was quite fond of her, and had watched over her and her family with special care. It was in my leonid form that I spent most of my time, using my human form only when I needed to communicate with the local tribes. When I didn't want the other lions to recognize me, I would use my avatar form. I don't know why I remember Jhora's name, because I don't remember any other names from the dream. I don't think I ever thought about giving myself a name, because it didn't appear to be important. I identified everything by its scent signature, and apparently that was enough for me.
I remember when the rogue lion came into my territory. I'd been waiting for him, or rather, a male to take over one of the prides in particular, one which had lost its ruler to disease. I let him see me in lioness form, and he showed interest. It was his smell that shocked me the most, because he smelled of Ani. I didn't know this in the dream, only that the scent was familiar and masculine. He set about taking over Jhora's pride in that way that only a male lion could: killing the younger cubs of the old king so that the females would go back into heat. I watched this without interfering. It was the natural order of things, and it was not my place to oppose this. Those lionesses who had been careful enough to hide their cubs well were the only ones who weren't wailing that night, but they comforted their sisters as best they could.
That night, I slipped into the pride and found him alone inside the den of the dead king, unable to sleep. I asked him what his worry was, and gave him the warmth of my back to soothe him. He told me that he was thinking of championing as many prides as he could control, living the ultimate male lion's dream. I told him not to be so foolish, as he was just one lion. I reminded him that there were prides with two kings, more than that, and that he could never control such a territory.
"With your help, goddess, I could." he said.
Then he asked me when I would come into heat. I blinked in surprise, wondering how he knew that I wasn't an ordinary lioness. He explained to me that Jhora had told him of how I never really lived with this pride, but seemed to be their guardian, their watcher. He'd also heard of a lioness fitting my description at the borders, too widespread for any ordinary lioness. He wanted to make me his queen and unite the prides under a common rule. I told him that he was a very foolish and ambitious lion, and that I belonged to no king. Still, he kept trying to court me through the night, until he finally fell asleep some hours before dawn. I slipped away from him then, wanting to have a talk with Jhora, who should have been waking to hunt then, in the cooler hours before the sun rose.
It wasn't my place to rule over the wildlife.. I served as a watcher, yes. It was my duty to keep their numbers in check and to see that they always kept the balance. I was no mere mortal; indeed, sometimes it fell to me to pass judgment on the wicked. Yet I was curious about this new male and what his ambition would bring. In my opinion, he didn't have the drive to do more than dream about this idea of his, but I would watch him closely because he suspected what I was. Besides, he interested me, and he wasn't unattractive for a lion. I decided to pray to the god and goddess of my origin to keep watch over him and guide him in their will. This made me feel much better, and I didn't mind returning now and again to tease him about his ambition and tempt him with my body, much to his frustration. I could bear cubs, I knew, but if I were to succumb to my more carnal urges in that way, I would become less the instrument of the gods and more the instrument of the mortals, namely that of the lions. I was not yet ready to compromise my interests in this way, so I kept him wanting and eager.
A year passed in this way, as humans measure these things, and yet to the lions and other animals, life was as it always was: sun rose and sun set. The rains came and went, and I did my job, now conscious of a new duty. It was the will of the goddess that I punish those who would prematurely take the life of her children for greed and profit, namely poachers. This task kept me busy, for my territory included two major elephant herds and one band of nomad bachelors, in danger because of the temptation they represented. I had to slay many humans in the name of the goddess, or make sure that the poachers were punished under the law of their species. The task took me away for suns and moons at a time, and I missed the birth of Jhora's first litter under her new king. I felt the pangs of the first major sadness I had ever known when I realized this, especially when it fell to me to guide the souls of two of her cubs who died. Even though I always did this task in my astral form, I had a feeling that the entire pride knew the true identity of death's servant.
I didn't have long to wonder where my loyalties lay, for soon an assignment came that I knew had to be carried out successfully, for my sake as well as that of the god and goddess. Jhora and her cubs had gone missing, and it was my task to either find her and pass judgment on her for neglect, or to liberate her and her surviving cubs from whatever trap they had fallen into. I remember traveling with all the speed available to me, back to the pride of the lioness I had grown so fond of.
The male was gone, and no amount of questioning the others could bring me a satisfactory answer. It was up to me to track Jhora, and I set myself to the task, but not before noticing the male's fresh scent in a patch of dirt, one that indicated he'd had a lioness' company recently. Apparently he was after Jhora as well.

I remember running, and finding signs of the lioness. It was not mine to finish this dream, however. I woke with an urgent sense of a job unfinished, and almost wept with frustration, especially when I realized that I had been wavering in my duties in favor of joining the male and Jhora's pride. I don't know if it was the god and goddess' will that I be cast from my role in order to punish me, or if it was merely a fever dream, but I know that I was happy, and that it felt like I should have been in that role from the beginning of my life. I don't know what the significance of all that was, but I know that it is a life I would gladly live.

So I'm in Montana again... Apparently I type weird. I don't know. Never really noticed how I type. Been a very long time since I've written anything here, and I can't really promise I'll be consistent about posting here. I can't promise consistency in anything these days, and that's a total shame, but that's how it is.

A lot has happened since I last wrote something...
I've gotten better in art, I believe, and my pics on Deviantart should reflect that... Well the latest ones should... I've been procrastinating so much lately. I have two character pics that I'm supposed to be working on. I'll get to that when I have Photoshop running on the comp I'm borrowing. For now, I'm just happy that I've gotten through last semester's craziness and the family vacation and everything that happened this summer.
The family vacation was fun.. I went to Florida, to Disneyworld, Universal Studios, and Islands of Adventure, with stops at Medieval Times and Busch Gardens. I especially enjoyed the last two, though Disneyworld is always fun.. Come to think of it, so is Islands of Adventure, though I mostly go there for Dueling Dragons and the Jurassic Park section. The first, because I love dinosaurs and am convinced that part of me is a utahraptor, and the second, because every time I come to the castle which houses the rollercoaster's ride, I feel like I've come home.. The ride itself is akin to flying, and I'll never grow tired of the sensation of soaring and barrel rolling as we race the other coaster.. My favorite one is the fire dragon, of course. The ice one has its merits, but I've always been partial to the red dragon, for obvious reasons. I've got a story in my head about that coaster.. Maybe I'll actually get around to typing it.
It's been harder than ever to pretend to be a normal human. I've never really been able to blend in perfectly, and sometimes I feel it'd be easier to stop trying. But people are strange about those who don't fit society's norm, no matter what they tell you. How am I supposed to tell people that I dream of running on all fours at night, that flying is as natural as breathing to me during that time? It's such a disappointment when I wake and find myself chained to this body, in this posture, and in these circumstances. Sometimes, when I get stressed, I swear, energy ripples through my frame, and I can almost feel my flesh writhe and flow in the change.. Then something happens.. I lose my concentration, or someone or something distracts me, and I'm back to being trapped. It's so frustrating.
I'm afraid I'm starting to lose focus where acting normally is concerned. I remember one day at work when the newbie I was training was getting on my nerves. He was scraping the metal part of the makeline along the counter, and making that awful screeching noise.. He knows I hate it, and I've warned him not to do it when I'm around.. Well, that night, he did it one too many times.. Before I knew it, I'd grabbed his wrist and snarled at him.. Not a normal, cranky growl like I usually do, but a full on, tooth-baring, eyes-blazing snarl. I swear, I didn't know I had it in me.. Well, I did, but I'd never meant to let it out like that.. As soon as I came back to my senses, I released him, but he was terrified of me after that, and I had to switch stores. The loss of control just.. Well, I couldn't take the chance of it happening again.

Bah. I'm tired of this entry.. I'll do another one, one that makes more sense, eventually. Right now, I'm just going with whatever train of thought catches my interest.

Good hunting all.

1. Tell her she is beautiful or gorgeous(not fine, or sexy)
2 . Hold her hand at any moment . . . even if its just for a second.
3 . Kiss her on the forehead/ neck.
4 . Leave her voice messages to wake up to.
5 . When she is upset, hold her tight and tell her how much she means to you.
6 . Recognize the small things . . . they usually mean the most.
7 . Pick her over all the other girls you hang out with.
8 . Write her notes. (she loves them)
9 . Introduce her to family and friends . . . as your girlfriend.
10 . Play with her hair
11 . Pick her up, tickle her, and play-wrestle with her.
12 . Sit in the park and just talk to her.
13 . Tell her funny jokes, tell her stupid jokes, or just tell her jokes.
14 . Let her fall asleep in your arms.
15 . If she's mad at you, kiss her.
16 . Give her piggyback rides.
17 . Bring her flowers
18 . Treat her the same around your friends as you do when your alone.
19 . Look her in the eyes and smile.
20 . Let her take as many pictures of you as she wants.
21 . Kiss her in the rain.
22 . If your in love with her . . . tell her.
Guys repost this if u would do it.....or no girls will ever like you again.

Girls repost this if u think its sweet......or you'll never have a good relationship.

Repost this as "22 Ways To Make A Girl Smile"

And still the night rode on. She swallowed, looking down at her hands, hands which were clenched into fists from the tension inside her. It was beginning again. She'd lost track of her nights, miscalculated the exact fall of Esbat for this month. Like it or not, she'd have to feed tonight.
And now, because of her error, someone might die.
"You're trembling." his voice reminded her of his presence, of the fact that he'd come here at her request, for she'd been looking to add him to her list of willing donors: people she'd turn to when the moon brought cravings that became too much for her to handle. She felt herself smile, an expression that was fast becoming her default one with him. It was a pity he was so much like the ideal she sought in a male, his dark, curly hair falling from its tie into a thick ponytail. His lips hovered enticingly out of her reach, and hers curled at the agony of being denied their touch.
"I'm cold," she lied, knowing that it would bring him closer. She'd purposefully chosen to sit a bit further from him than she might have otherwise, when she'd first felt the stirrings of the moon-lust in her loins. Now her instincts would work against her, her need ensuring that she'd follow the steps of the age old ritual that played out between predator and prey. No amount of pleading with herself would stop it.
His scent hit her as he pressed her to his chest, letting her feel his body heat, his arms coming around her to caress her back. She tensed, her fingernails driving into the palms of her hands, hoping that maybe the small, masochistic act would snap her out of it. It wasn't fair to pull him into something he knew nothing about.
"Relax." he crooned, his fingers teasing along her neck, trying to loosen the tension in her shoulders. His scent hit her full force now, and she knew that if he could see her eyes now, they'd be feral and full of her need, the deep amber of a wolf or lion's. She could already feel her lips struggling to draw back from her teeth, to expose her canines in preparation for a ripping thrust. If she wanted to, she could lay his shoulder open, tear it to the muscle.
No. This wasn't right. She had to try to stall somehow, to keep herself from draining him. She wanted to keep him, at least for as long as he'd let her. She'd kept an eye on him for far too long now, invested too much time and energy into getting him to trust the shy new employee at work. All that work would mean nothing if she killed him in a fit of desperate need.
"Let me taste you." she breathed into the crook of his neck, breathing in the heat that rose from his skin, feeling her arousal slide through his body, hearing his heartbeat quicken. Her attraction was his now; he'd feel the rush of desire as strongly as if it were her own. It was her species' way of cheating, of tipping the scales in their favor.
"No hickeys." he cautioned her, and she fought to hold back the laughter. Hickeys were so tame compared to what she had in mind.
She took his skin in her teeth, careful not to press hard enough to be a bite, tugging gently at it. His next breath was ragged, and she knew that if it were her will, she could end it now. Panting against his flesh, she forced herself to continue. She'd always been one to play with her food.
His collarbone rose against her tongue, hard and unyielding amid the pale, gentle valley of his chest and neck. She allowed herself a quick nibble, then a teasing nip, enjoying the way it made him buck and quiver under her, knowing that his mind was relaxing even as his body tensed under her. Taking him would be more than easy. It wasn't fair!
With a cry of frustration, she slid her hands under his shirt, pushing him back against the couch even as her palms stroked up over his chest. She saw his eyes go wide at the sight of her face, and she knew he was seeing her as she was, as a snarling beast about to devour its prey.
Pain lanced her palms, and she gave a guttural moan as her palms came into contact with his necklace, the noise bleeding to a scream as she tore her hands away from him, ripping through his shirt in the process. Her fingernails had elongated into short talons during their travels, and she could only stare at them as his hands came up around her wrists, trapping her in the ruins of the garment. It was his necklace that had caused her so much agony, she saw now: a Celtic knot forged from silver. Its main boundaries formed a cross.
"What the hell are you?" he asked, his eyes flashing at her angrily despite the confusion in his voice. "Don't lie to me and say you're human."
She gazed up at him sadly, hating the lust still coursing through her, hated the voice within her that screamed that she take him now and damn the consequences.
"Quarter-human." she corrected him.
Continue?

Today was a very fun day. I mentioned that Walmart was running a sale on boots and jeans, and Mum decided that I had to have some. So I have new clothes now.. They look really really good on me, or at least I think so. I guess that I have a pretty standard sense of fashion, I mean I don't wear things that make me look like I'm still blind.
Anyway, to get away from the girly stuff...
I went bowling tonight with Kenny and Ben. I realized that the former looks stunningly like my ex, especially in this black (nonleather) trenchcoat that he went out in. Unlike my ex, however, you can pry him out of it. I sucked fairly hard at bowling, but it was still a very fun experience. I got to see Ben dance to "My Humps", and watch Kenny try to perfect his hook.
After bowling, we (well, I) decided to go to Walmart for some King cake and something to drink. Starkville apparently doesn't celebrate Mardi Gras because they're too far north, so I decided that I was going to be doing something while I was playing hooky (eye appointment) from college. I got that lovely ninety-eight cent bottle of Green tea with ginseng and honey. I'll be drinking that on the way back to school later this morning.
When we finally got back to Ben's house, Kenny and I helped him set up a myspace account, so yes, he is The Ben in my friend's list. It took like.. a rather long time. Ben is not very Internet-savvy. This is going to change, hopefully.
I know that I'm a very interesting and forward girl, but even I'm starting to get wary of myself when I'm lust-starved. I almost devoured the boy tonight. Not that I wouldn't have stopped if he'd have asked me to, but sheesh. A girl can only take so much... Or in my case, a boy can only give so much. It was interesting seeing exactly how different we were, and why it could only be casual between us. Lots of fun in the future, I hope. Hmm.. this makes me think of a story.

Anata ga omou koto wo sameru koto naku temoto ni tsukamitai no ni
"Hito" dearu bokutachi wa sono kimochi wo wakachi aenai mama

My best friend died today. Many of you knew him... His public name was Spot Alexander, but I always referred to him as Gatito. He died today by euthanasia because he had cancer of the mouth. I didn't know about it until yesterday, but I'd been worried about him ever since Hurricane Katrina because he had a mouth wound that kept coming back, no matter what I did to it. I kept telling my mother to take him to the vet because I was sure that there was something wrong. And I was right. I hadn't felt a familiar bond with him since Hurricane Katrina. I think he broke it himself, not wanting what was affecting him to have an effect on me too. He always kept something secret from me, and I think it was to protect me. He probably figured he'd keep me safe this way, because he didn't want our friendship to end with me feeling sorry for him.
He was always there for me. He'd give me back massages at the end of the day when I'd managed to sneak him into my bed at night. If he didn't think I'd had enough sleep, his purr would put me back to bed, and I never minded how much trouble this got me in at school or work, knowing he was always acting in my best interests. I loved him dearly. One of the most meaningful compliments a person could receive from me was always: I love you like I love my cat. Even rarer (is that a word?) was: I love you as I love my cat. Anyone who was in any way close to me irl knew exactly how much I love him. Even though he's dead now, that won't change. I will always love him, now and forever.
Gatito, you were a great friend. You were more than I ever hoped for, and more than I could ever have deserved. You came to me sometime in my ninth year, when I was disturbed and upset because of my move to Ocean Springs. You were so small back then. I was so surprised when you grew to be one of the largest and most muscular cats that I have ever seen. I was so proud of your many talents, especially the ones you let the rest of the world see. I was the owner of the only bilingual cat that I knew of. I still don't remember when I taught you to sientente and levantente. I think you taught Cleo how to as well, because I sure didn't, but she understands how to do both. My parents forbade me to teach her, and my brothers can't hold Spanish in their head for more than six minutes. I'll always remember you as my friend and teacher, my partner through my developing years of life. I guess you saw that you'd had a very positive influence on my life, and so you moved on to somewhere where your presence was needed. Thank you for staying with me until I reached 21 years of age. You were my friend for roughly twelve years, and I'm so thankful to you for being my best friend in this world. I will miss you greatly, but I know that part of you will always be with me. I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you at the very end, but I know that you understand why I couldn't be there. You died with your eyes open, according to my mother. I'm really not surprised at that, because I sleep with my eyes open. I think you got that from me. I know that I got a lot from you.
Goodbye, Gatito. I will always love you. I'll be okay from here, and I know that I will see you again.

This will always be our song.

I don't really use this for much... Most of my posts involve me replying to people or posting to communities.. Don't really do much personal stuff on here, and that needs to change. After all, I do have other things that I could use this space for. So.. I'm asking everyone who actually keeps track of all the stuff I do on here (yeah.. that's kinda funny). If I were to just post like.. random stories of mine and links to my drawings, would that interest you? I'd still use this space for a traditional blog, but it'd make me think I was contributing something creative to people.

Dear Santa... Dear Santa, This year I've been busy! In November I gave kylu a wet willie, then I took it back (-5 points). In April I pulled pottersues's hair (-5 points). Last Monday I signed my organ donor card (28 points). Last week zaikuu and I donated clothes to the needy (11 points). In August I pushed thoink_dragon in the mud (-17 points). Overall, I've been nice (12 points). For Christmas I deserve a Sony Playstation 3! Sincerely, deniseraven

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And that's what hurts, when you get down to it... The fact that you felt so right... I'm supposed to get over you, but how can I when my body remembers that embrace.. The joy I felt in your arms, the safety of your carress. I'm not saying that it won't happen, but it'll take a while. I know it's not fair to my mate... But I don't know what to do; I feel so raw... So, hurt and broken... No one seems to want to do anything about it, like it's a taboo subject. I'm not asking anyone to fix us... I'm not asking for that unlikely miracle... but.. I want someone to listen when I talk, to not tell me about how it's foolish to hold on to such a foolish hope... I'm wanting to move on, but... I can't.. I won't let myself, I guess... Your every touch, your every embrace... It felt so much like Paradise, like I was realising my fondest dream... I was safe and secure in the knowledge, the certainty that we could make this work somehow... I wanted so much to be yours... It was like coming back home.
I guess you weren't the one in my other life... the barbarian lord who cared about no one else save his bride and his people... The blackhearted warlord whose only soft spot was his kin... Maybe I should quit looking...
That's just it.. I'm not going to look anymore... And maybe one day, I'll be okay... Why is it that everyone complains about those who are emotional and always make such a big deal out of everything when they reward them for their behavior? The quiet ones, the ones who don't make a sound, who just take it and everything else the world throws at them and locks it inside... Can't have anything ruin the illusion that life is perfect, that there's nothing wrong in this: our perfect world. Even I can see when I try to carry the illusion too far though...

Take this summer... I had to sit and watch while the one I thought was forever, the one for whom I'd risked being disowned, was dating another woman... Well, that's a lie.. I didn't have to take it.. I didn't have to sit there and let it happen. I could have spoken out. I could have made a scene. I could have, should have done something.
The relationship with him was polyamorous... But this was something quite different from conventional polyamory. This was something vile, something disturbing. I was okay with him dating her, but hiding me from her? Not telling her that he had a girlfriend? I should have told her the truth that night she stayed with us, should have taken her aside and explained exactly what was what to her. Instead, I fumed and pouted in silence... Look where it got me. He left me for her, and she dumped him the first chance she got. Does anyone else see a problem with this?
We as individuals are encouraged to speak our mind. But heaven forbid that what we say is said in such a way that other people label us emo.. when they see any outpouring of emotion as excessive... Haven't any of you idiots realised that the kid that you describe as emo is usually the one you have the least to fear from? Because at least they're out in the open and public with it. I'm quiet.. I could get away with so much more... Because no one notices me when I don't want them to.. I could be over in the corner cutting myself so that I could feel something... Feel physically the pain that my heart feels guilty for acknowledging. I'd need help, yes, but I wouldn't be accused of being emo, either.
Even the quietest person can only take so much... I know that I almost snapped, am still at the verge of snapping. It's getting better, I think, but only the love of one person keeps me from being that quiet one who just suddenly becomes a maelstrom of emotion... I'm not sure I'd ever snap out of that mode once I experienced its freedom again. Remember, dear? Remember how I told you never to break up with me because I said that I'd be another Demona? Remember that? That was in the conversation where you said you'd never leave me... No matter what.. That's what you said, and you said you don't lie. What is that then? Oshiete, kudasai.

Body: Erase the answers, write your own, and repost.

S.P.I.L.L. Y.O.U.R. G.U.T.S.

1. First thing you did this morning? Woke up, talked to Hagios and got ready for class (moaning about being sick the entire time...)

2. Last thing you ate? How about... a stick of watermelon-flavored Extra sugarfree gum...

3. Is your cell phone a piece of crap? Yes, but it's free, so I can't complain.

4. What's something you look forward to in the next 7 days? Going grocery shopping and maybe adding another female betta or two to my collection of bettas... Playing Harvest Moon, Pokemon Mystery Dungeon, and Animal Crossing on my new coral pink DSlite.
5. What's annoying you right now? I'm sick... I have a really bad sore throat and the fact that I have to be at class until six today.

6. What's the last movie you saw in a theatre? Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest

7. Do you believe in long distance relationships? Am in one now, but let me tell you that it sucks....

8. Is there someone on your mind right now? Hagios and Ani are constantly on my mind... I'm glad for the first one, not so much for the second... Wish I could find someway to be at peace with that one...

9. Where is the last place you went? Uhh... a WPSA meeting?

10. Who is the last person you called? I think Shannon... to try to remind her about class.

11. Do you look more like your mom or dad? Dad, of course..

12. Do you have any siblings? Joshua and Jonathan

13. Do you smile often? Yes, because I like to be happy... even about sad things...

14. Do you think someone is thinking of you right now? Oh but of course...

15. Choose one to have (love, beauty, creativity, money): Only one? Grr... money and beauty are really tempting... but I want love.

16. Do you wish on stars? Yeah, I did and still do... and it usually works.

17. Do you untie your shoes every time you take them off? Heck no.. I slip my feet out of them, even tennis shoes, because I like shoes with a loose fit.
18. What is the most disgusting food you've ever eaten? Dunno... meatloaf?
19. Would you kill someone? Depends upon the circumstances.... But I'd have to say yes to this one.. I was taught this past summer that I really would. Hopefully the penalties will always make the answer to this question null and void.. but perhaps not.
20. When did you last cry? Friday?

21. Do you like your handwriting? Actually, yes... It's why I write out all my stories first instead of just typing them.

22. Are you a friendly person? In person, yes... Online... not so much.

23. Who's house did you sleep in last night? Does my apartment count? if not.. then Shannon's trailer.

25. What color shirt are you wearing? blue

26. Do you have any pets? Spot (manx cat), Cleo (black lab) Akai and Aoi (red and blue betta fish) Mizuki(pale blue female betta fish), All the horses at the Horse unit temporarily, I suppose.

27. What is the color of your bed sheets? I have no bed sheets.. sleep on the mattress with my leopard blanket as a sheet and then the MSU blanket as a top sheet.

29. When is the last time you saw your mom? Sunday

30. Is tom on your friends list? Who's Tom?
A
31. Have u ever been in love? Many times before.. .and am now.

32. Ever cried yourself to sleep? Oh yes.

34. Is there a song that makes you cry? Yes

35. If so, what song? "Dance with my Father" by Luther Vandross

36. Are you normally happy? Not really... no.. I act like I am.. but I always worry.

37. Is your self-esteem extremely low? Not as low as it used to be, and it's getting better.

38. What color are your eyes? some sort of shade of brown.. it fluctuates between amber and copper

39. Is your hair long or short? Shortish medium, I suppose... it used to be longer before I went to MT and came back with a chunk missing.

40. Are you looking for a relationship NOW? No... honestly no..

41. Are you ticklish? Oh yes...

W H O . W A S . T H E . L A S T . P E R S O N . T H A T . . . ?

1. You hung out with?
Shannon and Cat
2. You rode in a car with?
Shannon


3. Went to the movies with?
Hagios and Fey

4. You went to the mall with?
myself. Hagios and Fey... otherwise, myself.

6. You talked on the phone?
Shannon, I suppose

7. Made you laugh?
Shannon and Cat

W O U L D . Y O U . R A T H E R . . . ?

1. Pierce your nose or tongue?:
How about my nipples?
2. Be serious or be funny?
I'd rather be funny.

3. Drink whole or skim milk?
Grrr.. this question makes me mad... I'll drink either, really... I love both.
4. Die in a fire or drown?:
Drown, cause at least then they'd have my body.

5. Spend time with your parents or enemies?:
This... is a loaded question.. and in the case of my mother, not a fair question.. I'd rather spend time with my father, cause spending time with my mum is almost spending like time with an enemy.

A N S W E R . T R U T H F U L L Y .

1. Do you like anyone?
Hagios... Fey most of the time... Ani...even though I'm not supposed to... Dracas...

2. Is he/she older or younger ?
ehh... in order... Younger, Older, Older, Older..

D O . Y O U . P R E F E R.

1. Sun or moon?:
Well, they both have their good and bad points.. I'd have to say the Sun.. because it's warm.

2. winter or fall?:
fall

3. left or right?
left

4. 10 acquaintances or two best friends?
two best friends

5. Sunny or rainy?
sunny

A B O U T . Y O U .

1. what time is it?
10:56 a.m. Just after my first class

2. First Name?
I don't want to answer this question. but.... Courtney, if you must know.

3. What do you want to do when you "grow up"?
Run a ranch/hotel with Fey and Hagios.

4. Where do you wanna live?
Anywhere, as long as it's with Hagios... It's hell living without hir now..

5. How many kids do you want?:
Absolutely none.
6. You want to get married?
Yeah.. eventually I want to get married for the ceremony and the status, etc... I want to know that someone'll make that type of commitment for me...

8. Are you double jointed?
No.. but I'm flexible for an adult.

10. Can you cross your eyes?
Yes, and strangely, I can cross just one eye or both.

11. Do you make your bed daily?
See the question a bout the bed sheets... I don't have sheets... but even if I did, the answer would be no.

R A N D O M .

1. Which shoe goes on first?:
right

2. Ever thrown a shoe at someone?
Oh yes... and I've kicked shoes off at people.

3. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it?
Twirl

4. Have you ever eaten Spam?:
Yeah.. I actually like Spam... now if it were just a bit less salty.

5. Favorite ice cream?:
Red Bean

6. How many kinds of cereal are in your cabinet?
um... two.. I'm a college student.

7. Do you cook?
Oh yes.. it relaxes me.


8. Current mood?
Sick and miserable.

IN . THE. LAST. 48 . HOURS. HAVE. YOU . . . ?

1. Sang?
But of course..

2. Been hugged:
no.. unless you count the horses.

3. Been hit on:
oh yes.. that always happens.

4. Felt stupid:
yes... I often make things harder than they are.

5.Missed somone:
Every minute.

6. Danced crazy:
hmm.. no

7. Gotten your hair cut?
Nope, still trying to let it recover.

8. Cried:
no...

9. Lied:
not unless I've talked to my parents recently... can't remember.

10. Been kissed:
no... *cry*

. S T U F F .

1. Have you ever been searched by the cops?
no.. I'm an invisible girl...

(What happened to 2 and 3?? )

4. Do you believe in ghosts?
I guess... I just hope they're not malicious.

5. Do you consider yourself creative?
oh yes.

Soo wa omoi masen. Sore ga ai desu ka. Itsu iki wo shimasen. Anata no ai ga nigaide, kireide, yasashikunai desu. Soo desu kara, wakarimasen. Tokidoki, anata no ai wa totemo kyooryoku na. Soshite, kirai desu ga, mada matte imasu. Nani wa arimasu ka.

Waste of LJ space? Maybe, but I had to practice somehow. Now to class...